The Princess and the Hoodlum
by XxBloodyRosaryxX
Summary: In which a teenage "hood rat" with only knowledge of street-life and gang fights, and a prissy rich girl with only knowledge of Gucci handbags and diamond earrings are thrust into Middle Earth; cat fights and girly name calling ensues. Two enemies, one world-it really isn't big enough for the BOTH of them! And the Fellowship is just kinda watching them like WTF is going on. Humor!


**Inspired by various movies…and I just couldn't resist.**

**I don't think its bad enough to be considered M rated, but I'll warned you if anything too raunchy or gory happened to get in my brain.**

**VULGAR LANGUAGE!**

**CRUDE HUMOR!**

**REGULAR HUMOR!**

**Substance abuse too, but it'll all fall into place (crucial to the story) **

**AND IT STARTS OUT KINDA SAD BUT IT'S ACTUALLY A HUMOR FIC!**

**I hope it's enjoyable! Oh and the names will make sense, just keep reading!**

_**_Dizzy_**_

I hate my life. No lie…I hate it. But I mean, who would love a life that is all marijuana, booze, and a shitty apartment with an equally shitty roommate who uses your hairspray to get high? Well I mean, I do that shit too, but I bought the fucking thing!

"Dizzy! Dizzy Doo Da DizPants! Crackhead Dizzy! Get a new fucking name!" aforementioned roommate burst into my room, clearly drunk, and landed on my bed.

"Get off my bed, you fucking creep!" I snapped, shoving the drunkard off onto my beer stained carpet.

"Think of some new fucking insults!"

"Well shit, I don't know if you're a bitch or a dick," I grumbled, lighting a cigarette.

"Bro, I'm both…"

…

"The hell you talking about?" I subconsciously glanced down at my roommates lap.

"I started as a man and now I'm here, I started as a man and now I'm here, I started as a man, now my whole life's girl, 'cuz I-,"

"If you keep fucking singing that, I'll kill you," I got up and shoved my feet in my holey Vans and grabbed my bag, "Call me when you're sober, you drunk bastard."

I climbed out my window, partially because I heard cops outside in the halls, and partially because my roommate was staggering towards the door in my room. Climbing down the fire escape, I landed on the cold concrete in the alley and quickly jammed out my cigarette.

I passed by a group of guys smoking pot and they smiled and waved, offering me some.

"Nah, dude, I gotta get to school…" who smokes weed at ten in the morning?

They guys just shrugged and turned back to their Weed Circle; I just walked down the cracked streets towards the high school at the edge of the city (on the good side).

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a man fall to the ground and a gang of policemen jump on him, sticks swinging and dogs barking-a sight seen a million times a day.

Maybe I life wasn't that bad.

…just kidding…it's bad.

_**_Claire_**_

I walked down the halls of my school, my brand new Gucci shoes clicking in the halls. I had fifth period chemistry, my personal favorite, and I heard we were getting our semester projects and our partners today!

Walking into the classroom, I set down my Gucci handbag and crossed my legs, "Hello, Mr. Barnett, how are you today?" I flicked my hair back.

"Why, I'm doing lovely today, Miss Worthington," the old man muttered, sounding irritated.

"Too much stress? I know! End of the semester is in month! You must have a lot of grading to do!" I sipped my coffee, "My mother has a good aromatherapy/acupuncturist-I'll get you the card, sir."

Barnett ground out a 'thank you' before starting the class, "Today you will all be receiving your partners for the final project and-,"

Just then, 'Dizzy' Collins walked into class wearing shorts that showed off her slightly tanned legs and, honestly, they were up so high it almost showed her butt. It was so sad! And her shirt was so baggy it hung off her shoulders.

She threw herself down in a chair and started playing with the frayed edges of her shorts.

"Nice of you to join us, Miss Collins, now as I was saying, I'll be giving your partners." He shuffled around in his desk before he read out names he paired together, "Allison Sanchez and Rian O'Cleary, Miranda Paige and Mario Garcia, Claire Worthington and uh Dizzy, Jayson Mira and Liza Santiago…"

As he read off pairs, the class shifted to sit with their designated partners, so I stood and brushed off my blazer and dress and gathered my things.

Without making eye contact, Dizzy shifted over and scooted her stuff to the edge of the desk.

"Hello, Dizzy! Are you excited about the project?" I smiled, trying to make conversation.

She shrugged, "No, not really. I don't care about this class."

"Oh, well don't worry! It'll be fun!" I sipped my coffee, "And, between us, Barnett likes me. We'll get an A for sure," I laughed and smeared more lip stick on.

Dizzy glanced up at me and scoffed, before looking down again; she has smeared and smudged eyeliner around her eyes and glitter eye shadow smudged across her cheek. Her amber blue-gray eyes looked glazed over-no doubt she had gotten high last night. It looked like she slept with her makeup on. Her curly, waist length brown hair was poofy and messy, like she just woke up. She looked like a brown haired, slightly tanned Ke$ha, honestly.

"This is your group's project," the old teacher slipped us a piece of paper with our project topic on it.

"Okay, it says _'Does the presence of cigarette smoke affect the growth rate of plants?'_" I read aloud.

Dizzy began laughing and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one, inhaling, then blowing it out in my face, "This _will_ be fun,"

"Miss Collins! What are you doing?!" Mr. Barnett roared.

"I'm outta here," Dizzy leapt up and stalked out of the classroom.

"Wait! You're my partner! You have to stay and help me plan!" I yelled after her, groaning, and chasing after her.

"Dizzy! Dizzy! Wait!" I panted, following her down the halls, "Hold on!"

"I'm not doing the fucking project," she snapped, throwing her cigarette down and smashing it.

"I don't want to talk about that," I fixed my hair and clothes, "I'm president of a club that helps people-it's a charity, and if you just let us help you-,"

"I don't need any fucking help! Jesus Christ, why don't you get your perfect blonde head out of your ass and act like a normal fucking teenager and stop trying to be some arrogant bitch who gets involved in everyone else's business! And NEWSFLASH you cunt, just because you see someone who isn't as perfect and as rich as you, doesn't mean they're suffering and need your help!" she looked dangerous!

I stepped back and said, "I am only trying to help you!"

"Go help someone who needs it!" she spun on her heel, "Oh, and Barnett doesn't like you-he tolerates you. There's a difference."

Before she could walk away, I raced forward and grabbed onto her.

She wasn't expecting it, but she reacted quickly, and punched me, hard, in the head.

"You lunatic!" I screeched, grabbing her hair. I pulled it and she lost her balance and we both tumbled down a flight of stairs to the right of us…stairs that were being retiled and didn't have any railing…stairs that lead outside to the fields and woodshop rooms.

We fell down, under the caution tape, and over the jagged steps (that ripped my new dress!) and then over the side, where rails should have been.

I remember staring down the gravel-two flights down-and my life flashed before my eyes….but instead of feeling the impact of the ground, I felt…grass?

Opening my eyes, I glanced around to see I was surrounded by…trees? Uh, heaven?

"Uh, s'cuse me miss, but what are ya doin' here?" I turned to a little boy with a face full of freckles and missing teeth, looking at me with huge brown eyes.

"I-I-I don't know!" I cried, "Please help me! I don't know where I am!"

"Well, my mama could help ya! C'mon!" he grabbed my arm with a dirty hand and lead me to the edge of the forest and to a big city.

I cried the whole way…where was I?

**Xxx**

_This chapter wasn't that funny, but it was a "character" chapter!_

**IMPORTANT! Dizzy and Claire are on two different time lines and places-Claire is in Middle Earth and Dizzy…isn't…yet ;)**

_Please review! I want this story to "make it" because I have so many ideas!_

_Thank you!_


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